I remember the exact moment my world tilted. We were sitting on his couch, and he dropped it so casually, like it was a weather update. “Oh, by the way, there’s someone else too.” My brain short-circuited. He told me about his ‘other’ girlfriend like it was normal—like I was supposed to be okay with it. I felt sick, angry, and stunned all at once. This wasn’t about judgment on polyamory or open relationships—it was about a unilateral decision he made without my consent. My boundaries, my trust, my love life—it was all rewritten without my knowledge.
I Felt Blindsided by the Casual Confession
I had no idea it was coming. One moment we were laughing about our day, the next he’s casually talking about someone I never met.
- He was relaxed, matter-of-fact, like he was reading the weather forecast.
- My body went numb. My stomach churned. I couldn’t even focus on my own thoughts.
- He said things like, “I thought you knew,” or “We never said we were exclusive,” as if those words made the betrayal disappear.
- The gaslighting started immediately, leaving me questioning my own judgment.
It was a relationship ambush. I felt blindsided by polyamory I never signed up for. Surprise open relationships are one thing—but being forced into someone else’s hidden world? That’s another.
I Realized I Never Consented to This Arrangement
I spent hours replaying every conversation, wondering if I missed some hidden rule. But consent isn’t about guessing—it’s about knowing.
- I never agreed to a non-monogamous setup, so nothing about this was consensual.
- “We never explicitly discussed exclusivity” is not the same as mutual agreement.
- Non-consensual polyamory violates the most basic ethics of a relationship.
- The “don’t ask, don’t tell” excuse is a trap, and it’s bullshit when only one person follows it.
- Even if he claims it’s “technically not cheating,” the betrayal still burns.
I felt trapped in someone else’s story, a narrative I never chose to be part of.
I Learned the Difference Between Ethical Non-Monogamy and Convenient Lying
I used to think polyamory could work if people were honest. But what I faced was far from ethical.
- Ethical non-monogamy means everyone knows the rules, agrees, and communicates constantly.
- Transparency and explicit consent are non-negotiable.
- What he did was just cheating with fancier language.
- The polyamory community would call it exactly that: deceptive and unethical.
- Using progressive terms to justify selfish behavior doesn’t make it okay.
I realized he wasn’t exploring love honestly—he was hiding behind words to excuse his lies.
I Understood Why He Thought This Was Acceptable
I tried to make sense of it, but the reasons he gave only made me angrier.
- He wanted the girlfriend experience without responsibility.
- Avoiding conflict was disguised as “not wanting to hurt me.”
- He relied on plausible deniability to dodge consequences.
- Cultural messages told him men “need variety,” and he used it to justify everything.
- Compartmentalizing his actions made it easy for him to ignore my feelings.
- Sometimes, he genuinely didn’t think he did anything wrong, which made the betrayal worse.
It wasn’t about love. It was about entitlement, avoidance, and convenience.
I Struggled to Process Him Telling Me About His ‘Other’ Girlfriend Like It Was Normal
My grief was immediate. I lost more than the relationship—I lost my sense of reality.
- I mourned the person I thought he was.
- Trust shattered everywhere: “What else didn’t I know?”
- Anger hit in waves: at him, at myself, at wasted time.
- I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t focus.
- I kept questioning if anything between us was real.
Being blindsided like this creates a mind-fuck I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Relationship reality checks like this hurt in ways you don’t expect.
I Explored My Options When Monogamy Wasn’t Optional
Once the shock wore off, I had to make choices.
- Option 1: Try renegotiating into actual ethical non-monogamy. This takes massive trust and genuine desire from both sides—rarely works.
- Option 2: He ends other relationships and commits fully. This only works if there’s real remorse, not damage control.
- Option 3: I leave. The most common and often healthiest choice.
Staying requires complete honesty, transparency, access to his life, and counseling. Most relationships don’t survive this, and that’s okay. Red flags fly when someone pressures you to “get over it quickly.”
I Chose to Walk Away From Someone Who Rewrote the Rules
I finally understood that leaving wasn’t failure—it was self-respect.
- Walking away doesn’t mean you didn’t love him; it means you value yourself.
- You leave the disrespect, the lies, and the unilateral decisions behind.
- Practical steps: decide the conversation, handle logistics, and protect yourself from being pulled back in.
- The relief comes slowly, but it comes.
- You deserve someone who respects your consent and feelings from day one.
Leaving was the hardest decision, but it was the one that restored my dignity.
Conclusion: I Realized When “Normal” Is Actually Gaslighting
When he told me about his ‘other’ girlfriend like it was normal, he didn’t just share a fact—he rewrote our relationship without permission and made me feel unreasonable for reacting. This wasn’t polyamory, and it wasn’t a miscommunication. It was a violation of the trust and agreement that should exist in any partnership. My body, my time, my health, my emotional life—none of that was considered. That’s not normal. That’s not acceptable.
Your consent matters. Your boundaries matter. You matter. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
FAQ: Coping When Someone Tells You About his ‘other’ girlfriend
Q: How did I handle the shock?
I froze at first. Seeing him text her while pretending “everything’s normal” made me nauseous. I realized blindsided polyamory isn’t something you can ignore—you have to set boundaries immediately.
Q: Can trust ever come back?
Honestly, it took months of reflection. Non-consensual polyamory breaks trust, and rebuilding it means radical transparency, counseling, and consistent honesty—otherwise, the emotional betrayal lingers.
Q: Should I stay or leave?
Walking away restored my self-respect. Staying required access to his life, full disclosure, and therapy—most people can’t handle that, and that’s okay.
Q: Is he telling me about his ‘other’ girlfriend to impress me?
Honestly, I wondered the same. When he casually dropped it, it felt like he was trying to seem “cool” or nonchalant. But what I realized is that this isn’t about impressing anyone—it’s about entitlement and avoiding accountability. Using deceptive language to justify selfish actions doesn’t make it polyamory or honesty; it’s emotional manipulation, and it left me questioning the trust in our relationship.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational and emotional support purposes only. Every relationship is unique, and this is not professional legal, medical, or mental health advice. Read our full disclaimer.
Affiliate Disclosure: Some links in this post may be affiliate links. If you make a purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.