When Openness Starts to Hurt
“She calls it an open relationship, but why do I feel like the only one losing control?”
It starts with love that promises freedom — no rules, no walls, just honesty. You tell yourself it’s modern, mature, even brave. But somewhere along the way, what felt like choice begins to feel like chaos. You start questioning if you’re being too jealous, too needy, or if something deeper is being twisted behind the word “open.”
Emotional manipulation often hides in relationships that seem progressive. It’s subtle — not shouting, not fighting — but quiet control dressed as “understanding.” When openness turns manipulative, jealousy becomes a signal, not a flaw. This is where love stops feeling safe and starts feeling like a game you can’t win.
What Is Emotional Manipulation?
Emotional manipulation is when someone uses your feelings to control your actions.
It’s not about honest communication — it’s about twisting emotions to create guilt, confusion, or dependency.
In relationships, especially open ones, manipulation can sound like:
- “You’re just being insecure.”
- “I thought we agreed to be open — why are you upset?”
- “You should trust me if you really love me.”
Each sentence chips away at your confidence. Instead of feeling equal, you begin to feel like you’re constantly proving your worth.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, not emotional power plays. When one person uses vulnerability as a weapon, the relationship becomes unbalanced — no matter how “open” it claims to be.
The Reality Behind “Open”
A healthy open relationship is about choice, not permission.
Both partners agree, communicate, and feel emotionally safe. There’s honesty in every step — from who they meet to how they feel.
But manipulation changes that. One partner starts using “openness” as a cover for selfish behavior — hiding messages, changing stories, or making rules that only apply one way.
They might call you jealous when you ask questions or make you feel guilty for wanting clarity. You start walking on eggshells — afraid to look “controlling.”
Early signs of emotional imbalance include:
- Defensive reactions when you ask for honesty
- Guilt-tripping you for expressing discomfort
- Secretive behavior hidden under “privacy”
True openness means shared safety. Anything less is control disguised as freedom.
The Psychology of Jealousy
Jealousy isn’t evil — it’s human.
It’s a mix of fear, loss, and insecurity, not a moral failure. According to psychology experts, there are two main types:
- Cognitive jealousy — the racing thoughts, comparing yourself to others
- Social jealousy — the anxiety around how your partner behaves publicly
In open relationships, jealousy is often labeled “immature.” But when one partner uses jealousy to manipulate, it becomes emotional abuse.
For example:
- Flirting openly just to “test your reaction”
- Mentioning other partners to make you feel small
- Laughing off your pain as “overreacting”
That’s not communication — it’s coercion.
When someone controls your emotions instead of validating them, they’re not being open — they’re being manipulative.
When Emotional Openness Becomes Manipulation
This is where things turn toxic. Emotional manipulation in open relationships often includes gaslighting — making you doubt your own reality.
They deny your emotions:
“You’re imagining things.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
They label your reactions as possessive, or claim you’re “not evolved enough” for openness.
Over time, you start believing them. You second-guess your feelings, thinking love means silence.
Research from Frontiers in Psychology shows that emotional manipulation often ties to love addiction — a pattern where people accept unhealthy dynamics out of fear of losing connection. This creates power imbalance — one partner always explaining, the other always excusing.
It’s not about love anymore. It’s about control.
Recognizing the Warning Signs
Sometimes manipulation is invisible until you feel emotionally drained.
Here are some red flags:
- You’re the only one sharing details; they stay vague.
- Their tone shifts when other partners are mentioned.
- They dismiss your boundaries as “rules.”
- You feel ashamed for expressing discomfort.
This cycle creates emotional whiplash — moments of deep affection followed by sudden distance or blame.
The best way to see patterns is journaling. Write down what happened and how it made you feel. Over time, you’ll spot triggers and truths. A therapist can also help you map these patterns and regain emotional clarity.
Communication Is Key — but Not a Cure-All
Everyone says “just communicate,” but what if only one person is actually listening?
Real communication requires accountability — not just words, but change.
Experts suggest doing emotion check-ins every few weeks. Ask:
- Are we both still comfortable?
- Have our boundaries shifted?
- Is this relationship still fair for both of us?
If your partner refuses these conversations or mocks your emotions, that’s a red flag in itself.
Remember: validation matters more than justification.
You don’t need them to agree with every feeling — you need them to respect it.
Rebuilding Emotional Ground
Once you recognize manipulation, healing means rebuilding your emotional foundation.
This starts with compersion — the idea of finding joy in your partner’s happiness instead of fear. But compersion can’t exist in a manipulative space; it grows only when safety and respect are present.
To rebuild:
- Invest in solo hobbies that remind you who you are outside the relationship.
- Spend time with friends who make you feel grounded.
- Seek therapy to explore attachment wounds and boundaries.
For intrusive jealousy thoughts, techniques like mindfulness and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can help you separate fear from fact.
Healing doesn’t mean pretending it never hurt — it means learning you deserve peace, not performance.
Choosing Respect Over Chaos
Sometimes, emotional manipulation is dressed as “freedom.”
A partner might claim that love without limits is “real love” — yet somehow, all the limits apply to you.
You don’t have to stay to prove you’re understanding.
You can choose self-respect over endless explanation.
Ask yourself:
- Am I growing or shrinking in this relationship?
- Do I feel safe being honest?
- Do I recognize myself anymore?
If the answer is “no,” walking away isn’t weakness — it’s wisdom.
You deserve love that nourishes, not love that confuses.
Conclusion: Real Freedom Is Peace, Not Permission
In the end, jealousy isn’t the enemy — manipulation is.
Emotional manipulation turns love into a performance, openness into control, and honesty into a trap.
You deserve a relationship where openness feels like peace, not pressure.
Where you’re not afraid to speak, feel, or need.
Because real freedom in love isn’t about who you’re allowed to touch — it’s about how safe you feel being yourself.
And that kind of love doesn’t manipulate. It heals.
“You deserve openness that nurtures, not confuses. Real freedom is peace, not permission.”
Disclaimer: This post is for informational and emotional support purposes only. Every relationship is unique, and this is not professional legal, medical, or mental health advice. Read our full disclaimer.
Affiliate Disclosure: Some links in this post may be affiliate links. If you make a purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.
Pingback: Loving Someone Who Used You: Healing Emotional Manipulation - Love and Breakups